Study reveals dissertation deadline day is most significant cause of grandparent mortality
In one of the largest global public health studies ever carried out on the reasons for grandparent mortality, it has been shown that the single biggest health risk to grandparents is thesis deadline day.
“We had not appreciated how many grandparents died on dissertation submission days”, said Prof. Mort Ality from the Centre of Disease Control and Prevention, “however, the numbers are unequivocal on this issue – thesis submission is killing grandparents by the billion”.
“We analysed the data using chi-squared statistics, T-tests, multivariate analysis, phylogenetic analysis, genomics, machine-learning and astrology and all the data pointed to the same conclusion – we have discovered a new disease and we are calling it “Dissertation-Associated Mortality (DAM)””.
“Indeed, one of our more robust findings is that we have seen that some grandparents have suffered from DAM more than once, in different years for different classes on different dissertation deadline days”.
“We usually worry about cause and effect, but on this occasion the numbers are too strong and we estimate that dissertations cause more agony for grandparents than influenza, arthritis and even lottery tickets”.
Figure 1 shows the relationship between probability of grandparent death and time relative to dissertation submission day. These highly accurate data were compiled from records kindly provided by the the Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ), based on phone calls and emails to academics, over a 50-year period.
Probability of grandparent death relative to dissertation deadline day:
Figure 1: The X-axis shows the timeline relative to thesis submission day. The Y-axis shows the probability of grandparent death. The line is drawn using some kind of complex algorithm with errors smothered by confusion.
“Our results show that at this mortality rate, all grandparents on the planet went extinct in 1976″, said Dr. Ality.